


Goodbye

by MangaBitch



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Best Friends, Bittersweet Ending, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Choices, Cinnamon Roll Marco Bott, Comfort, Coming of Age, Conversations, Crushes, Crying, Cute, Cute Ending, Dead Marco Bott, Depression, Developing Relationship, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotions, F/M, Fic Graveyard, Flashbacks, Flowers, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Friendship, Fucked Up, Ghosts, Growing Up, Guilt, Heartbreak, Hugs, Implied Relationships, Inspirational Speeches, Loss, M/M, Male Friendship, Men Crying, Military, Minor Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Minor Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein, Mistakes, Past Relationship(s), Personal Growth, Poor Jean Kirstein, Post-Reflections, Protective Mikasa Ackerman, Regret, Sad, Sad Jean Kirstein, Self-Reflection, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Slow Romance, Sobbing, Soldiers, Sorry Not Sorry, Strong Woman/Weak Man, Survivor Guilt, Tearjerker, Teenagers, The Author Regrets Nothing, Time Skips, Wings, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 23:32:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12736548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MangaBitch/pseuds/MangaBitch
Summary: Jean visits Marco's grave to say goodbye and apologize for his actions. Making him realize how much he has grown since his trainee years.Platonic JeanMarco, implied Jeankasa





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> you may cry after reading this

Jean walked through the streets silently, knowing where he was headed as if by instinct. His mind in a daze, yet his heart led the way clearly. Leading him where he needed to be. Walking slowly down the semi chaotic streets, taking in everything as if it were yesterday. As if he had traveled through time to that exact moment and was experiencing it for the second time.

So many emotions, thoughts and feelings running through him. Trying to process them all at once, his body feeling heavy as if he carried a large weight on his back. Following him down the street, only getting heavier and heavier with every step closer he got. Reminding him of that terrible day, when he lost his ability to smile.

He was visiting a graveyard that was made up after Eren sealed the whole in the wall. All of the dead soldiers that lost their life in battle were buried there so nobody would forget what they did. In his hand he carried some flowers, nothing special just simply some that had been growing in a field. He didn't know the species, but he had thought them to be beautiful upon catching a glimpse.

He hadn't been here since that day, when he found Marco's body during the clean up of the aftermath of the battle against the titans. Though he knew he would see countless bodies upon becoming a soldier, he never thought that Marco would be one of the bodies he would have to bury and dispose of. To help bury his best friend into the ground.

Eventually he reached a gravestone that stood out. The name  _Marco Bodtt,_ carved carefully into the front. He requested when it was made that Marco's had wings on the front. The wings of freedom he had carried so bravely on his back until his death. Flying as if he was an angel himself, helping keep Jean on the straight and narrow path.

Marco had been too pure for the military, he may have been stern and a good motivator, but deep down he was a pure soul. He had been too good for the Military and only joined because of him. He had joined because they had been a team, the two of them fighting side by side as brothers in arms. Taking down the titans together.

Jean then knelt down and placed the flowers by the grave, trying not to damage them in any way. Slowly resting comfortably so he was sat down beside the grave. Taking in how much things had changed and how much time had passed since that day. It felt like so much longer than how much time had actually passed.

It had been a year since Marco had been found dead, his body clean in half while his blood and entrails spilled onto the street. Though he would never know whom his killer had been which was what hurt the most. Knowing he would never know who killed his best friend, never being able to get revenge on whoever took his friends from him.

He would have been 16, a birthday he would never get to enjoy or experience. So, young and naïve, still learning about the world around him. Yet being thrown into a world of war and death. He had died alone and scared, knowing he was facing his last day on earth and nobody would be able to hear him scream no matter how hard he tried.

Now he had to live with that guilt, while he continued to live in this world while Marco had been killed. He felt like he had betrayed him despite the fact he never could have predicted the outcome. Jean bowed his head sadly, his eyes stinging with tears but he held them back as best he could. "I'm sorry Marco" he replied in a pained tone. He had died to save his life when the buckle on the gear was jammed.

He had made a risky decision by putting himself in harms way and grabbing a slim chance at escape. Put under pressure to retrieve a still usable piece of 3D gear while a titan was nearby. Looking back it had been one of the stupidest things he had ever done in his life, but because of it he had managed to get away and regroup.

But Marco's sacrifice would forever be the most memorable and meaningful in his eyes. He had distracted an upcoming titan on his own so he could get away. Left to fend for himself while Jean continued to the meeting point in the tower with their comrades. He should have gone back for him, he should have gone back to help Marco.

Marco had been alone with nobody else to fend for him. relying on only himself. He had been killed in the most brutal way possible, being bitten in half at the hands of the titans. Most likely screaming in pain as his body was bitten in half, bones being crunches and broken, intestines being drained out like spaghetti, he shivered at the thought.

Never would he be able to forget such a memory, just imagining it was bad enough. The guilt of never being able to save his best friend would forever haunt him. The first friend he had ever made who was willing to put up with his bullshit, and how he was gone forever. Karma had certainly repaid him hard in the worst way possible.

"We were supposed to achieve together, grow together. We were supposed to be heroes, fighting for humanity…" he trailed off. They were supposed to join the military police so they could protect their families and live in peace. Becoming strong and protecting humanity, instead he had become part of the survey core instead, thinking it to be more honourable for Marco's memory.

He gripped his fists, his eyes watering and reflecting like glass as tears pooled up "…I let you down and it took losing you to realize my faults. I'm not even brave enough to confess to Mikasa" he sobbed. He had always acted cocky in the camps, letting his pride get the better of him back then. Now he realized what an ass he had been back then, but he had figured it out way too late.

It had taken a great loss to realize how much he had to learn and how he was a greenhorn. How cruel the irony of life was, reminding you of things painfully. He felt like the biggest idiot on the face of the planet, making him wonder why he hadn't listened to Marco more. Making him wonder what would have happened if he had saved him.

He was still very much a child, he had grown since then but he had still fucked up. He had been unable to save his best friend, he hadn't been able to save the person who believed in him from the start. He was smart, but not as smart as Mikasa, Armin or even Captain Levi or Commander Erwin. However, he had above average intuition for his age and carried a good head on his shoulders.

He was a good fighter, being able to use his 3D gear expertly in open spaces. Marco had even stated he was a natural leader, he just needed to have more confidence in himself. However, he was still ruled by his emotions which clouded his judgement. He needed to grow up and realize he had to make difficult choices even if he hated himself for it.

Life wasn't always fair and Eren was right, you had to fight for what you wanted. Sometimes life was ugly and you just had to accept that, sometimes you got the short end of the stick. His life until now hadn't been perfect but it had most likely been better than the rest of his comrades had been through, making him feel like an ass.

He needed to spend more time with his mother, taking into appreciation how worried she was about him. He was her only son and he had left home in order to fight cannibalistic giants. He was aware of how bratty he could be, having matured considerably since then. He needed to learn to accept his faults and mistakes if he was ever going to become a good soldier.

Blaming others when things didn't go right, acting irrationally and lashing out would do no good. No matter what feelings lay in his heart, in the battle field he needed to keep a clear head above all. He needed to have more self control, there were people that looked up to him after all. People who relied on him for an answer in any difficult situation.

He had to understand he was capable of making mistakes, one of the traits of being human. He needed to better control his emotions and understand he needed to earn Mikasa's love instead of trying to impress her. The sooner he realized this, the sooner he would be able to move on and grow. He couldn't stay like this forever, to achieve his dream he needed to keep a clear mind and a clear heart.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder from behind. Gently gripping him in a supportive manner, wanting to comfort him. Having spotted him sitting here all alone and trying not to cry. Not being able to watch him tear himself apart with guilt, wanting to offer comfort and support in his time of need. Not wanting to leave him alone.

Mikasa sighed gently under her breath, her black eyes gentle and understanding. Having felt the same way when she lost her own parents as a child. She knew Jean and Marco had been close, their friendship starting during their trainee years together. They had been thick as thieves and relied on each other when times had been rough.

To lose his best friend, ally and confidant would be like losing half of himself. A part of his heart would forever be missing, a hole in his heart that would not easy heal. The wounds in his heart would run deep, taking a long time for him to truly recover from such a great loss. Though Jean acted somewhat normal, he would never be the same.

Somehow, she understood the feelings that lay in his heart like a silent connection between them. If something like that were to happen to Eren or Armin, she didn't know what she would do. She could only imagine the thoughts and feelings rushing about through his head right now. Feeling so lost and scared, going into shock.

He didn't have to force himself to act like everything was ok, that he was in control. He had been through a painful experience, a sudden loss that nobody could have expected or predicted. He needed time to cope with this, you could never rush the grieving process. You just had to let the wounds heal themselves and learn to move on.

He had lost his best friend so of course he would feel responsible for his death. Trying to think of scenarios of where things had been different and convincing himself he could have done something. But she knew that Marco wouldn't want that from him, he would be upset and angry to know Jean would be blaming himself.

He would want him to be happy, to continue living and enjoy the friends in his life he still had. Not to remain burdened with guilt and sadness like this, it would have broken his heart. To know Jean was slowly tearing himself apart with self hatred, guilt and sadness, it was a truly depressing sight to see and she couldn't watch Jean do this to himself.

Jean slowly turned his head to look back at her timidly, causing a sharp jolt of pain to run through her. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this sad since she believed Eren to be dead. Feeling as though her heart was breaking with every passing second, sympathy and sadness filling her as she looked upon the undercut boy's face.

Tears were streaming down his face like a waterfall, his eyes red and swollen. Close to shaking with how hard he was crying, like a small child lost and alone. He knew how uncool he looked right now, making him feel ashamed for being so weak. Wishing she had never seen this side of him, the part of him that was scared and confused.

In ways he idolized Mikasa because despite her own flaws, her lack of control and often acting irrational. She still appeared cool, level headed and capable; even when her world was falling apart you never would have been able to tell. Envious at how much more resilient she was compared to himself. Wishing he could be more like her.

Mikasa knelt down so she was face to face with Jean, her expression gentle and her eyes warm. "You aren't weak Jean. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty and hate yourself like this. You need to grieve, you're still hurting right now. But don't you  _ever_ think it was your fault" she replied sternly. She knew it hurt now but in time it would get easier for him.

Marco may have been gone but he still had people who loved and cared for him. Sasha and Connie were also his best friends and teammates, they loved the guy to pieces even if they did sometimes piss him off. Sasha would do anything to make Jean smile and loved to play pranks with him. Connie would always challenge Jean when he got out of hand, following him loyally.

He was not alone, he was just hurting with the deep loss. But his friends would help him get through this, no matter how long it took. Eren may have been a pain sometimes and often a little shit, but he too would help Jean in his own way. So would Armin and herself, they would all be here for Jean no matter what. They had to look out for each other after all.

Jean sniffed, trying to remain calm but her words only made him cry harder. Hearing these words did make him feel a little better, but it didn't help much. He knew she was right deep down, he just missed Marco so damn much. He couldn't believe he was gone. That he would no longer get to see that stupid freckle face smile at him ever again.

He felt fresh tears well up and spill down his face all over again. No matter how hard to calm down he tried he couldn't make them stop. They just kept flowing, harder and harder. He felt like he would dry up from how many tears kept flowing. His sadness overwhelming him, as if he was being drowned in the memories of his past.

Seeing Jean fall apart like this was tearing her apart, she couldn't stand seeing Jean look so broken. She just had to do something to make him feel better. Mikasa then hugged Jean abruptly from behind. Her arms wrapping around his back protectively, holding the poor guy as he sat there shaking from his tears. Holding him as he cried.

Hoping that this would help ease his pain, hoping it would calm him down and help him clear his head. Jean wasn't a bad guy, he was simply human and had his own flaws which he was slowly learning to improve. Despite the fact that everyone looked up to her and she was best in her class, she too was capable of making mistakes just like everyone else

If Eren or Armin were endangered, troubled or were hurt in any way, she would become irrational too and rush to their sides. Desperate to help them in any way she could, they were her friends after all. They were like family to her, she had known them both since she was a kid when she had felt like her world was falling apart.

Jean was no different, they were just two sides of a different coin. As much as he acted obnoxious, cocky and mischievous towards others, deep down he was deeply emotional, caring and carried a strong moral code. Constantly trying to do well by his comrades and the humanity he fought for. Trying to be a good man and a soldier.

He often clashed with Eren but simply because his outlooks were different to his. Not wrong, just different and that was all. He had certainly matured since then and anyone could see it. But everyday he was learning and growing just like the rest of them, however in this case he had learned the hard way in a truly cruel manner.

He simply wore a mask to hide his emotions, so he appeared to be more like a soldier. Not wanting to let his personal problems get in the way of his duty, wanting to keep up appearances. Strong, reliable and composed, much like she did when she was in the line of battle. Something they had in common with one another.

As Mikasa held Jean in her arms, they didn't notice a figure appearing before them. Tall and see-through, but the sunlight beamed right through him. Beaming down on the two teens. Marco's spirit appearing from the tombstone, gazing down on the two with fond eyes. Glad to know Jean was doing well, that Mikasa was looking after him now in his place.

He felt bad for leaving Jean so suddenly, if he had the choice he never would have left. But he did keep fighting for his life until the very end no matter what. He had really wanted to return home and welcome Jean with a weary smile, but he had never been able to keep that promise. Because  _they_  had taken his wings from him.

Slowly he reached down and placed his hand on Jean's head, trying not to cry himself. To be so close to Jean once more but for him to be unable to see him, that hurt more than he ever thought it could. "I'm proud of you Jean" he said warmly. And he truly meant it, he really was proud of Jean, for everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Though I don't hate the JeanMarco ship, I prefer them as platonic friends


End file.
